it’s amazing to me that every year is more excited than the year before. 2005 - got home from the mish, got married. 2006 - moved to japan. 2007 - traveled all the way around the world, got pregnant. and now, 2008, the year that i’ll probably always look at as the year when every thing changed.

of course i’ll always think of this year as the year of elliott. his birth and his presence in our lives has been such a joy…and if i’m going to be completely honest it’s also been a trial. sometimes it’s been so hard, so taxing, so exhausting, so draining. my faith has been tried, my patience has been tried, my body has been tried, my every faculty. but like with all trials it has been so rewarding, and the joy of motherhood completely overshadows the difficulty. my capacity for love and understanding and happiness has expanded a million times this year. such a blessing and it keeps getting better!

this is also the year that justin finished school and now we’re preparing ourselves for a huge change. a new place, a new life. wow. hello real world.

3 years of marriage (is that all? it feels like forever, in the best way, of course), many more lessons learned about one another, less fights than the year before, and a deepened intimacy that will continue to grow.

12 months later and i’m a different person. my hair is brown now and it won’t ever naturally be blonde again. i spent most of my youth changing it and now i just want it to be back the way that it was, so typical, wanting what i don’t have. so i’m already planning on bleaching it as soon as it’s a little longer and we have a little bit more disposable income. i became really interested in politics again and that interest has lasted beyond the election. i learned some new skills and i’m excited to keep working on sewing, quilting, knitting and i’m excited to take some new classes this next year. this will be the year i finally take that art class i’ve wanted to take forever now.

all in all i look back at 2008 with fondness, but for the most part i look forward to 2009 and for all the excitement it is sure to bring.

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…but it’s a pretty good feeling to have to go buy the exact same jeans two months later two sizes smaller.

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oh man, it’s been forever. i’ve been wanting to write because i’ve had so many thoughts swirling around in my brain, but at the same time putting those thoughts into a cohesive flow sounded exhausting.

my little family is moving to virginia. how crazy is that?! pretty crazy. it’s hilarious to me that this move is stressing me out way more than the move to japan did, both the logistics of it (driving all the way across the country in january?! crazy!) and the entire concept of living on the east coast. i’ve lived all around the world, but i feel like living in a different part of my own country is going to lead to the greatest amount of culture shock i’ve ever experienced. i’ve been looking at google maps of the area we have to live in (stafford) and there are just trees everywhere, as far as the eye can see, and it’s so green. it’s mind-boggling. and then there’s the whole idea of packing. and the whole idea of finding a place to live. and the whole idea of maybe buying a house because it’s a great time to buy. and, and, and…

my little boy is 4 1/2 months old. it doesn’t sound that old when i type it out, but when i see him sitting up in his bouncy chair, reaching for toys, and hear him laughing i can’t help but notice that he’s turning into a little boy and isn’t just my little helpless baby anymore. he has a personality, he’s so stubborn and willful just like both his mom and pop, and he’s so interested in the world around him. he can be crying and screaming his lungs out and then i’ll take him into a new place he’s never seen and he instantly quiets down and drinks it all in his little head moving from one side to the next as he tries to process the unknown. i love it.

we’ve been working on sleeping through the night this last month and every night between 8 and 9 i put him in his crib, awake, and he puts himself to sleep for the next 10 hours. this has been harder for me than for him - if i was completely selfish i would rock him to sleep every night until he was too big to fit in my lap anymore, but even stronger than my desire to hold him tight and never let him go is my desire to see him turn into an independent, self-sufficient, all-around-awesome person. part of me never wants to let him go and wants to do everything for him for the rest of his life because i love him so much and being able to serve him and help him is one of my greatest joys and yet another part whispers to me that to do so would be to deny him the greatest joy of life which is to use free agency to make our own decisions and mistakes, to fall down and to find within ourselves the power to get back up and keep rising.

last month i had a trial of my faith as we sent out a million resumes and a couple weeks after having done so we hadn’t heard anything back and we had to make the decision on what to do when justin graduated. we decided that we would stay in our apartment and figure out something around here and at the time i was so…disappointed and kind of mad. i just wanted the next phase of life to start right when i wanted it to start and when it didn’t seem like that would happen i felt this irrational rage. a week later we had heard back from the job that justin has ultimately ended up taking and i felt really dumb for doubting that we were going to be led and taken care of in a timely manner. one night i went out for a long walk and thought about the parallels between heavenly father’s divine parenting of me personally and my parenting of elliott. i’m not going to be able to add anything to an already obvious metaphor except that being a parent is to understand that more than ever. to be the older, wiser, stronger and know that i could just step in there and make everything better, but to know that to do so would preventing learning and growth as well as, well, pain, is hard. it’s hard to stand back, but it is so rewarding to see your child rise to the occasion.

i’m just so proud of elliott, as silly as that may sound since he’s only 4 1/2 months old, but in those 4 1/2 months he has grown so much and learned so much, and every day i see a new glimmer of the man he is going to become and it makes my heart so very very full. i feel very lucky to be his mom.

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in this election season there has been quite a lot of discussion and rancor. fact: i’m a conservative and i have very VERY strong political beliefs. that being said i have many liberal friends who disagree strongly with my beliefs as much as i disagree with theirs and because i don’t like contention i usually keep my beliefs to myself. in a way it makes me sad because i love debating the issues and hearing both sides. most of the time i feel i’m respectful of their feelings and i’m not accorded the same respect. instead of a civil political discourse where two people can hammer out their differences, disagree, and yet do so with love doesn’t seem to be possible anymore in this country. more often than not my opinion is shouted down in a flurry of “you just think that because your parents/church think that, why don’t you think for yourself”. the thing that i resent the most is the implication that i haven’t thought through the issues and formed my own opinion because many members of my church and my family agree with me. how would they like it if i said “oh you just feel that way because your college professor thinks that”. i’m a person of above average intelligence, don’t treat me like i’m stupid or a pawn. give me the respect to hear me out and i will do the same, not matter how much i disagree with you.

(as an aside i would be happy to explain how i have come to believe as i do, from being a a democrat and a communist from age 6 through most of my youth, to the conservative i am today if anyone was interested.)

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this article has made me slightly terrified to take my kid to france in 2 months…

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i realized a few weeks ago that i am no longer fit for civilized society. my dad was in town and asked me to go to lunch (at one of my favorite restaurants, no less) with his cousin who lives up here. i brought elliott and on the way he fell asleep which was fantastic. we got to the restaurant, ordered, and the minute our food arrived i started eating. i looked up when i was done and realized that i had chowed through my meal in like 3 minutes while everyone else was only about a fourth of the way through. i can’t even remember tasting what i ate.

i was embarrassed, but after months of shoving everything down my gullet before the kid wakes up or in the midst of a screaming fit it had and has just become habit. it makes me look forward to the day when i can sit down at the table and eat as slowly as i want without any worry of interruption. now the question is how long is that wait going to be.

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so justin has started going through and deleting all “my” music off his computer and soon off our mutually shared ipod. the nerve! you see, there’s “my” music, “his” music, and “our” music. all this means is that even the person who loves me for eternity can’t stand some of the music i love. i’m really not that offended or surprised. there are certain songs and bands that were they to come up on my ipod while anyone besides justin or maybe MAYBE my family and best friend was in the room i would quickly recognize the first note and then change it so i wouldn’t have to endure the look that would cross their faces. you know, the look that says “really? REALLY?”

and now my friends, i share some of those guilty pleasures with you both to lighten my guilty conscience and also to see which of you are my true friends. WARNING: this is not for the faint of heart. any and all who are allergic to synthesizer should not continue with this post.

1. Apoptygma Berzerk - Until the End of the World

you know that at&t commercial where the guy is in the hostel with the euro trash techno lovers? i’ve LIVED that commercial. going to a swiss boarding school in my music-formative teenage years changed my life and my tastes. i like some pretty appalling techno and i blame the fact that in a swiss village that has a movie theater that plays one movie a week and a dance club as its only form of entertainment it’s inevitable that you’re going to develop a taste for it. i was playing some music while i cleaned one saturday afternoon and this song came on and at first i was so excited because i love it, but then i realized the upstairs might be able to hear it and got so worried that they might judge me that i changed it to something less embarrassing. (a commentary on the video: the singer of this band should have been the guy in the hostel in the at&t commercial. he’s amazing)

2. Toto Coelo - I eat Cannibals

let me say this, i loved new wave before it came back in the big way 6-7 years ago. that being said my tastes for new wave are pretty undiscriminating and i love it all, much to the detriment of my street cred. this was my favorite song of the 80’s for a long long time until i realized that everyone else around me didn’t “get” it. and thus it became a guilty pleasure. (a commentary on the video - a neon light hut! this and mac tonight are why i love the 80s)

3. Joy Electric - Children of the Lord

(an aside: i started playing this video before i put it into my post and justin watched it for a second and then said “sheesh” loudly.)
you may find this hard to believe, but i actually thought joy electric was cool before i played this song for my friends amanda and josh and both of them said “what the crap?!” yes, i know what’s running through your head - “CHRISTIAN TECHNO?! SERIOUSLY?!” well, my first response to that is not all of his songs are christian! my second response is christian or not i understand the “what the crap” response. shut up. i love it. (a commentary on the video: ronnie martin, the singing guy, insists he’s not gay. suuuure.)

and there it is. i know you’ll probably all laugh at me and hate it, and i’ll admit that as i’m about to press “publish” i’m feeling kind of embarrassed, but i’m going to do it anyway because it’s what makes me me. love me, love my music.

**EDIT: i can’t believe i forgot this one. this is my number one all time guilty pleasure. i don’t even care, it’s so good.

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“oh man, i hope that guy behind me who i just noticed wasn’t behind me a block ago when i farted.”

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ok, if i allowed myself to go down that path i’ll admit that i would probably become addicted to gambling.

justin and i went to mcdonald’s today for lunch only to find out that it’s monopoly time again. it’s like christmas for me. i get so excited with each new game piece and i love that you can also play online with each code on the piece. i got 6 doubles in a row and after getting park place i rolled a nine and even though justin told me that i would need an eight to get boardwalk my heart skipped a beat when my game piece seemed to pause on boardwalk for a second.

after playing i turned to justin and said “wow, i was just thinking about how we totally need to start eating at mcdonald’s every day until this thing ends.” my thinking? if i won the million the $10 i paid every day for the next 27 or so days would TOTALLY be worth it. and with the million i could totally buy the gastric bypass i would need after eating a big mac for 27 days straight. (and this thinking is why mcdonald’s makes a GRIP of cash during monopoly time)

but luckily for my health and my finances i have more sense than that. just barely.

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there are certain things people never tell you about having a baby and one of those things is the fact that 2 months later you’ll still be taking stool softeners so you don’t get anal fissures.

and now you know.

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